Spring Resolutions

A list of things I have been doing to remind myself that I am ALIVE

Springtime is the real new year. It’s obscene to think that January is an optimal season to reflect and better your life and yourself, if you even buy into the idea of new year, new me. But I’d say I kind of do, in the sense that implementing useful changes, both small and stark, echoes the feeling of splashing cold water on your face after crying. Personally, I need this feeling to remind me that I am alive. I end up thinking, ‘Why do I feel so glum:(‘ and eventually realise it’s because autonomy has slipped my mind. I forget the unlimited possibilities of being alive. I’m in a C position scrolling Instagram reels instead of experiencing the world.

To celebrate spring, the best season ever, I have compiled a list of things I have/will be doing to help me remember that I am a real person in the world and NOT an npc. If you sometimes feel emotionally stuck, I recommend making your own list if you haven’t already. It’s helping.

1. Cut off your hair

   

   I literally don’t regret it

Usually when people tell you that cutting your hair is a good idea they might hate you, but I don’t hate you!!! I woke up last week with the uncontrollable urge to cut off my hair that I’d been growing out for a very long time and sometimes receive compliments on by drunk girls walking past me on weekend nights. I even have a recurring nightmare where I have my hair cut short and I’m crying and freaking out and then I wake up and go Phew, my beautiful long hair is still here. Well not anymore!! It’s gone!! I have a bob and yes I do miss having long hair but the feeling of having no split ends is lovely. And what is even better is the shedding of a part of you that has seen too much. The hair keeps the score. The hair remembers. I said bye to an old friend as the hairdresser hacked away. New bob new me.

like why would I regret it

2. Paint something even if halfway through you think it’s ugly and want to give up

   

   This is the type of painting an estranged family member sends you from prison

I had forgotten the unbelievable potential painting holds for maintaining sanity, visualising feelings that are difficult to convey via other artistic mediums, and the act of developing a tangible skill. Even if you are ‘bad’ at it. Cheap acrylic paint is a sacred language. Although painting is not absolved from making you crash out, so it is beneficial to implement something to remind you that having a skill gap (or ‘skill issue’) when painting is your friend, not your enemy. I was trying to paint a horse, and by day three of redoing the front legs and feeling like a fool, I decided to paint over the leg section entirely with a pretty sunset field scene, which in turn changed the course of the painting. If I could paint the front legs of a lying down horse, I wouldn’t be me.

3. Pause your media consumption and go outside

   

   Anyone who says Indiana is ugly and boring has obviously never hung out at the creek on a sunny day before

There is a thought process floating around some of us that says if you don’t read one book a week or watch a certain number of films from the Criterion Collection, you are wasting your life and you are stupid. These types of ideas sometimes haunt me, but I am trying to disengage. There is really no point in reading or watching anything if you aren’t forming your own experience… your own life. When I die, the attendees at my funeral aren’t going to give me a round of applause for reading, annotating and 100% understanding every sentence Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov (I’m currently reading this and it’s an incredible feat of literature but I want it to end soon), although that would be nice. Pushing yourself and keeping your mind occupied with non-slop is important and I recommend it but it’s not normal to force yourself into becoming a machine (unless it does feel normal for you then whatever) because you believe you will become stupid if you don’t. You WILL become stupid if you don’t go outside enough. I know there’s not a logging website like Goodreads or Letterboxd to record the number of squirrels you see in the park or whatever and I know that can be hard but it’s worth it.

4. Cook/bake a new recipe once a week

   

   sorry this looks horrible and diseased

My husband and I usually live on chickpea curries, gochujang tofu, quorn mince chilli and pasta with broccoli in it. But since moving to the USA I have been reminded that people eat different things. Mostly an endless combination of wheat and cheese, but different nevertheless. Recently I have made blueberry and lemon cookies that have a cream cheese centre. Cookies are good because you can share them around as a sign of friendship and they have that twee essence.

5. STOP having imaginary arguments in your head

   

Everyone has an opp and everyone has fantasies where you own them epic style but I really do believe that thinking of an enemy AT ALL is psychic poison. By having imaginary arguments with them or thinking of past events for whatever reason, you’re basically inviting them into your home and spending time with them. Literally why would you ever do that. If you truly cannot stop thinking about your opps then it’s time for 1. Therapy or 2. Maybe just make the fantasy a reality after some beers. But most importantly, aim not for the enemy to lose, but for the enemy to be a stranger. Then you will be a winner.

Okay, I think these are all the things I’m really knuckling down on. These are the lifestyle changes that will hopefully make me as free as I have ever been. (I do feel pretty free). I am also, as of today, trying to quit smoking cigarettes which in turn will hopefully make me drink less, as a cig and a beer are sisters. So next time you see me I won’t be greyscale, I’ll be youthful.

LOVE YOU and happy spring